The Gangs of Bally's

I frequent the Bally’s gym in *********, **. No I’m not giving you perverts the exact location. Anyway, I have noticed certain groups of people that go there that tend to stick together. I call them the gym gangs. They hang tight with each other and dress alike. They won’t get off the machine unless you are one of their crew members. They usually have a leader that motions for the rest of the group to move to the next machine. When they are on the treadmills they run in sync. They come in and leave at the same time. Read these descriptions and tell me which gang YOU belong to.

The Swole Patrol:
These are the guys that walk around with the big chests and arms and calves and thighs and necks. They wear their 12 year old brother’s wife beater so the muscles look that much bigger. They walk from side to side like a penguin because their thighs are too swole to touch. They grunt and grown when they are doing reps with the bar bells (dumb bells). They wear biking shorts with short shorts over top of them. There is usually one woman in this crew, I call them Serenas. For some reason the guys get bigger and more “swole” when they walk past a woman, go figure. Their designated territory is the “strong room” of the gym.

The Stick Figures:
God bless em. These gang members are in the 150lb and below club. They try to match up to the swole patrol but to no avail. They wear big clothes and bandanas and fitted hats to add weight to their body. If you watch really closely you will see them drop to one knee in anguish after they get off the weight machine.

The Couture Crew:
This is an all female gang. The members are required to wear name brand sweats and sneakers, maintain a flawless roller set and have head phones that match your outfit. I’ve seen some with JUICY in rhinestones across the butt. They look like they can go from the elliptical to the club in 10 minutes. They don’t break a sweat while working out because they usually do 10 minute sets. They stick really close to each other and flip their weaves at non-members. Their gym bags are Chloe’ or Chloe’-like.

The Letterman Club:
This gang consists of former basketball and football players at any level. This is a pretty cool and laid back gang and they will mingle with non-members. They laugh at the Swole Patrol because unlike them, the Lettermen have actually put their muscles to good use. The Couture Crew hates them because they hog up the treadmills with 45 minute runs, oh and because they are not trying to holler. A Letterman will help you with your work out and tell you how to maximize machine use. Watch them because they do touch butts. They all wear their former team uniforms or paraphernalia. They also usually have one female in the crew, and she usually likes females and has a jheri curl or corn rows.

The Streakers:
This gang works out but typically holds down the locker room. Hence the name Streaker, they are always naked. They just walk around the locker room bucked naked talking to each other. They are typically Asian. They intimidate using disgust. They keep others from showering, changing and going to the lockers. It’s the nude equivalent of the GOOCH from Different Strokes. I can’t write anymore about the Streakers I don’t feel too well.

Los Hombres:
The El Salvadorian godfathers. I don’t bother them and they don’t bother me. I don’t speak English to them because if something goes down I want them to look out for me. Actually nobody bothers them not even the Swole Patrol. They usually hold down a machine for an hour because its 32 of them at a time. They don’t speak but they give eye contact with everyone. When they are in the gym the radio station automatically changes to Tito Nieves.

The S Curls:
This is an all male gang consisting of dead ringers for Levert, Ready for the World, Debarge, Prince, Michael Jackson, Freddie Jackson, Stoney Jackson, and Ray Parker Jr. They leave grease prints on the machines. They look like they are sweating but its just activator and “Let’s Jam” running down their head to their bodies. They are usually facing a mirror while lifting weights. They do strange stunts with the pullies. They move their bodies like a snake. When they finish lifting they kiss their biceps. They are usually pretty swole but are too pretty for the Swole Patrol.

The Hall Monitors:
This gang is like the United Nations of the gangs. It consists of folks that don’t fit into any of the other categories. I’m the secretary of state for the Hall Monitors. Our job is to basically MONITOR what everyone else is doing. By monitor I mean watch. We just sit back and watch. Sometimes we look at each other and without words know what the other is thinking; this would make us have ESPN. We don’t dress any particular way, just gym comfortable. We talk to each other and to other gangs. Well the Couture Crew is too cute and the Streakers are too naked but you know how that goes. This crew consists mostly of women. Men tend to want to be in the Swole Patrol, Lettermen or have no choice but to be a Stick Figure.


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