What's HOT and What's NOT!

Before I begin, I would like to let you all know that I have a security detail hired called "THE OBAMA" after deciding to do this blog. Feelings will be hurt and toes will be stepped on. The views expressed in this blog are that of BagLady and her cohorts alone. You can agree, or not agree, but I’m probably right. I’m trying to help you out, just consider this an intervention.

There is no greater place to live or party than in the DC area. We visit other places but home is home. Although I love it, there are some things that just are not quite right. I’m sure it happens else where but what does the saying say “Clean up home first”. Let’s get out some mops and buckets and determine what’s hot and what’s not.

Many times I elicit help from my inner sanctum. They consist of devout readers and close friends who give me tips and ideas for the blog. One in particular co-wrote this blog with me. In an effort to protect the innocent, I will not reveal this persons gender or identity. “For all intensive purposes” (I hate when people say that) let’s just call my cowriter THE ORACLE.

And here we go…

1. Blackberry,iPhone, G1 etc. are HOT! The world is at your fingertips and you look cool touching it. Send me your blackberry messenger pin immediately! I live for new applications, themes, wallpaper and shortcuts. Sidekicks are not. It’s time to grow up, so I was told a few months ago. No more flipping your phone up like Lamborghini doors.

2. Dressing for the weather and still being sexy is HOT. Running to the club in skimpy clothes with no coat on, is NOT. Ladies please listen to me: You CAN dress warm and sexy at the same time. Your little black dress might turn heads, but you’ll also turn heads when you are coughing and snotting at the bar because you have pneumonia. I don’t care how short your skirt is, sneezing isn’t appealing. That is a long walk down 14th street in 32 degree weather with heels on and your buzz gone. Coat check is $3.

3. Unsanctioned Designer Apparel is the negative inverse square root of not hot. For example, I'm sure Gucci didn't make pull over hooded fleeces in a 3x. Your G's are backwards sir. This reminds me of when my cousin tried to give me a gift. It was in the trunk of his car and we were outside the church. He opens the trunk and says, which bag do u want?” I chose the Gucci wrapped in a burlap sack and in an unmarked grocery bag with disgust. It didn't look like anything ever produced by the company blue and red? Oh okay. I gave it to one of my "special" clients. Don't judge me.

4. Suspect Club Picture Poses: Fellas, please remember to keep your heads at least 12 inches (1 foot) away from all other males who you are taking pictures with. Unless you are a male stripper , Miss Jaye, or John Legend, this is an automatic FAIL. I know you are taking a flick with your man 100 grand, but you two touching heads totally changes the dynamic of the photo. Ladies, you and your girl are facing, her boobs are overflowing from her shirt and your tongue is out like you are the long lost member of KISS. Your head is cocked to the side like a confused beagle. Your hips are pressed against each other. What would your mother think? I’m telling you, those Shy Magazine folks stay on it. Your pictures go up before you walk in the house that night. You know they will be there. The bible says “Be ye always prepared”. Remember that always. Some things you can get away with in the darkness but it all comes to light in the flash!

5. Men in tights, okay not really tights but in "overly metro sexual apparel". Look I don’t care how in touch with your feminine side and "secure" you are. Some things just aren't right. No it’s not okay to have pointed toed boots. No Lil Wayne did not make tight extra low rise jeans a fly thing to wear; trust me, NO one on the block should want swagger like that. No a floor length skirt is not okay; you are not Scottish nor are you ancient Roman Senator. Shout out to this guy at Pure this summer.

6. Scarves are HOT. Welcome to the scarf revolution. I'm loving it. All designs and prints. I even rock one on the side of a handpurse to spice things up. This reminds me of when Bandanas became the new thing. I hope it doesn't play itself out because it’s an awesome fall/winter concept. Ascots are NOT. There’s a fine line between looking like Common, or looking like Geoffrey the Butler from “The Fresh Prince.” Unless you are Mr. Furley, Benson, or Hugh Heffner, you really need to throw the ascots away and check your nearest Macy’s to step your scarf game up. (p.s., I’m not talking about those hoodrat Taliban looking scarves that the little dope boys around Simple City wear, I’m talking about actual SCARVES.)

7. Corn rows on men are NOT hot. I’ll give you braided up brothers until January 1 to find a barber and get that hair cut off. I would tell you to loc it up, but locs only have 6 months until they are OUT as well. Someone please pass this memo on to Allen Iverson, his corn rows have been the same length since 2000, and I’m concerned. CC Jim Jones on that memo too, and whoever cuts off his corn rows needs to have their floor disinfected afterwards. Looks like braided up steel wool.

8. Bangs are HOT-"she bags, she bangs". I cut mine in a couple weeks ago and I love them. It took me a long time and some encouragement from my personal cosmetologist for me to go through with it. I think it gives your face a sexier look, sort of seductive and mysterious. They also hide the fact that you need your eyebrows waxed! Don't cut them too short our you'll be forced to look like Dora the Explorer until they grow out

9. Champagne Nursing is NOT HOT. This is also known as walking around the club drinking out of a champagne bottle. Hello Nino Brown. No really what is the point? You are just showing everyone that you paid 600% more than normal for a bottle of Moet. And you look stupid. And furthermore how sexy do you think it looks turning a bottle all the way up to your mouth. Put that vision next to men pouring liquor down one another’s throat. Like my gay homie on the message board says “I’m gonna pull you out of my big gay bag!”

10. Moscato Wine is HOT: I was pressured into this entry as I poled my crew on this topic. My girl Dani put me on a year ago and I'm sold. Sweet and smooth, Moscato is a great alternative to your more common white wines. An old flame and I used to crucify bottles of this stuff. Spaghetti, garlic bread, salad, and a couple of bottles of Moscato. That will make you forget why you are mad fast, and make you an instant sinner.

*wipes forehead*

So much wrong in the community, and I'm sure you all can add more. Feel free to do so in the comments or on the re-added chat feature.

BagLady featuring The Oracle