She hates me. I don’t know what I did to her. I try to respect my elders, even if they are miserable bags of hot air. But this lady is going to make me forget that I’m saved. She’s extremely intimidating as most cafeteria ladies are. Large, round and brown. She has the thickets and longest Tammy Faye baker (RIP) eyelashes one has ever seen. She clearly has a supply of Fashion Fair make up left over from 1985. Raise your hand if your mother every wore “Cherries Jubilee” ha! Anyway, the lady hates everyone that works there. She likes the outsiders that come. I’ve seen her get into a shouting match with one of the foster grandmothers who said she didn’t like her meatloaf. The next day she was making petty comments to her like “oh well I hope you like the soup better than the meatloaf” See stuff like that is why there are you tube videos of old ladies outside of church fighting. She’s just mean and surly. When outside customers come in she’s like “hi how you doing I got some good corn bread today, oh you going to like this”. When she gets to me she says, “What you having” *straight face* I’m a good wholesome catholic school girl so I greet her appropriately. She doesn’t even say hello back just bats her Tammy Faye’s at me keeping her mouth stiff and unwavering like the Grinch Who Stole Lunch! God forbid you name the food wrong. I saw a coworker say “can I have the steak” and she said “Its country fried steak I don’t see no steak up here” now was all that necessary? One day someone is going to crank it with her and I can’t wait. I say a small prayer when I go in there because I don’t want to be the one to snatch an old lady’s throat out. She’s going to take me there though yall! And the first thing I’m going to do is tell her to stop putting gravy on leftover chicken and calling it “smothered Cornish hens”!!!
Later,
Lunch Bag Lady
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
If Big Brother were watching....
I’m an avid fan of Big Brother. My friends and I get on chat to discuss the show on Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. In between those times we read the live feed blogs. A couple of us stay up from 12 am to 3 am to watch Big Brother After Dark on Showtime. (Waving to Nikiluv and Ashley!) It’s that serious. We get nervous and have to take shots waiting on the live eviction results. We honestly and truly like, love and dislike members of the house. We plan out strategies as “game play” as if we ourselves are in the house. This brings me to the reason for this blog. What would be revealed about you if the camera was watching?
Well, if the cameras were watching in my house I’m not sure how much entertainment that would be. You will see a lot of me talking to myself because well hell that’s what I do! I do it all the time and everywhere I go, and I hate when people interrupt me, because I forget what we were talking about. The camera would probably catch Dallas stealing my belongings and hiding them under my bed. I’m sure that someone would call Alcoholics Anonymous on me as well. I dance by myself like Ellen Degeneres. I curse at the television and I look at myself in the mirror from all different angles. Sometimes holding my boobs up, poking my stomach in and out, seeing how my side profile is holding up etc. Every now and then the camera would see me running to look out the peep hole if I hear some commotion going on in the hall. I might turn off all the lights and peek outside if I hear other people on their balconies, especially if it’s arguing! You guys would get tired of how many times I vacuum and straighten up. For about 5 minutes everyday Dallas and I chase each other around the sofa with him howling and me laughing hysterically. Bored yet? That’s my life no wonder CBS hasn’t picked me up. So now I ask you, what would be revealed about you if the camera was watching? I hope your life is more entertaining than mine!
P.S. If I am every at home and hear the VOICE from Big Brother talking about "BAG LADY PLEASE STOP SINGING" I'm going to run right through my wall!
Later yall, I look forward to your responses
Spy Bag Lady
Well, if the cameras were watching in my house I’m not sure how much entertainment that would be. You will see a lot of me talking to myself because well hell that’s what I do! I do it all the time and everywhere I go, and I hate when people interrupt me, because I forget what we were talking about. The camera would probably catch Dallas stealing my belongings and hiding them under my bed. I’m sure that someone would call Alcoholics Anonymous on me as well. I dance by myself like Ellen Degeneres. I curse at the television and I look at myself in the mirror from all different angles. Sometimes holding my boobs up, poking my stomach in and out, seeing how my side profile is holding up etc. Every now and then the camera would see me running to look out the peep hole if I hear some commotion going on in the hall. I might turn off all the lights and peek outside if I hear other people on their balconies, especially if it’s arguing! You guys would get tired of how many times I vacuum and straighten up. For about 5 minutes everyday Dallas and I chase each other around the sofa with him howling and me laughing hysterically. Bored yet? That’s my life no wonder CBS hasn’t picked me up. So now I ask you, what would be revealed about you if the camera was watching? I hope your life is more entertaining than mine!
P.S. If I am every at home and hear the VOICE from Big Brother talking about "BAG LADY PLEASE STOP SINGING" I'm going to run right through my wall!
Later yall, I look forward to your responses
Spy Bag Lady
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The Devil carries Fake Purses!
*Warning: This blog entry will be petty.*
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies…we must stop the madness. I have heard every excuse from “I’m not paying all that money for this, and I can buy 4 for that price “but in my heart and mind there is no excuse to be carrying a fake purse. Purse, handbag, pocketbook, whatever you want to call it. There is not excuse. If you are sitting at your desk and there is a fake purse in the deep drawer of your desk, you know the drawer with the lock on it? Do me a favor. Empty its contents, put them in a plastic bag, and throw that fake travesty immediately in the nearest garbage receptacle! Okay let me get a moment to gather myself. *meditating*
There are many reasons why resulting to a fake purse, I’m going to just list them because if I dialogue about this it will turn into something that I may not be able to regain control of!
1. It's tacky.
2. When people question you about your purse, your face will tell them that you go it from the corner of 17th and Connecticut at the African stand.
3. Typically people, who buy fake purses, don’t know much about the brand. So they walk around proud of the E on there bag where and F should be. (ENDI not FENDI) They don’t realize that their LV Alma bag doesn’t have Ls and Vs on it at all, just some random arbitrary symbol thingies
4. Fake bag purchases drive up the price of the real bags. Some of us that have the decency to carry the real thing and you may not be safe from a slick look, an eye rolling, or a push down a flight of stairs.
5. Manufacturing and distributing imitation goods is ILLEGAL. Not only do you look a hot mess but you are aiding criminal activities. It’s an obstruction of justice!
6. One day you are going to be standing in an elevator next to a person who is carrying the authentic version of your illegal fake purse. Neither of you will say a word, but both of you will know what the other is thinking. When either of you leave the elevator, the one carrying the real thing will giggle to herself, and start text messaging her friends about you
7. You will not be allowed to participate in any meaningful conversations about fashion. You have committed the ultimate fashion NO NO. When you talk no one will listen.
Now, I’m going to be a nice BAG LADY and help you NOT “accidentally” purchase an illegally acquired imitation fake hand bag or purse.
1. Louis Vuitton: The only authorized online dealer of LV purses is eLuxury. That’s it. If you go to Louis Vuitton.com, it will link you to eLuxury. There may be some sites that have consignment that you can safely purchase from, and I don’t know the names. I can guarantee you that the bag you are watching on Ebay right now is not real. Do not place one more bid! FYI Louis Vuitton does not “wholesale” the products, so the ladies passing around the LV catalog are just getting you to pick out real items that you are going to receive the fake version of.
2. The only sure way to know your bag is real is to get it from the store itself. However there are sites that sell real bags at a discount price, typically last season or previous year styles. Some of these sites include: Blue fly, Overstock, Smart bargains etc. Eluxury is a great site to purchase from and the styles are updated and current but not discounted.
3. I shouldn’t have to say this, but if you are buying your bag on the street, or from a store that also sells hair products, umbrellas, wigs and wing specials, then more than likely its not real.
Ladies, and fellas buying for ladies, happy shopping. Ultimately you are going to purchase and wear what you want. But just know that me and others like me are going to be lurking in the bushes, watching your every move and waiting for the right moment to jump on you and beat you senseless with that fake purse!
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies…we must stop the madness. I have heard every excuse from “I’m not paying all that money for this, and I can buy 4 for that price “but in my heart and mind there is no excuse to be carrying a fake purse. Purse, handbag, pocketbook, whatever you want to call it. There is not excuse. If you are sitting at your desk and there is a fake purse in the deep drawer of your desk, you know the drawer with the lock on it? Do me a favor. Empty its contents, put them in a plastic bag, and throw that fake travesty immediately in the nearest garbage receptacle! Okay let me get a moment to gather myself. *meditating*
There are many reasons why resulting to a fake purse, I’m going to just list them because if I dialogue about this it will turn into something that I may not be able to regain control of!
1. It's tacky.
2. When people question you about your purse, your face will tell them that you go it from the corner of 17th and Connecticut at the African stand.
3. Typically people, who buy fake purses, don’t know much about the brand. So they walk around proud of the E on there bag where and F should be. (ENDI not FENDI) They don’t realize that their LV Alma bag doesn’t have Ls and Vs on it at all, just some random arbitrary symbol thingies
4. Fake bag purchases drive up the price of the real bags. Some of us that have the decency to carry the real thing and you may not be safe from a slick look, an eye rolling, or a push down a flight of stairs.
5. Manufacturing and distributing imitation goods is ILLEGAL. Not only do you look a hot mess but you are aiding criminal activities. It’s an obstruction of justice!
6. One day you are going to be standing in an elevator next to a person who is carrying the authentic version of your illegal fake purse. Neither of you will say a word, but both of you will know what the other is thinking. When either of you leave the elevator, the one carrying the real thing will giggle to herself, and start text messaging her friends about you
7. You will not be allowed to participate in any meaningful conversations about fashion. You have committed the ultimate fashion NO NO. When you talk no one will listen.
Now, I’m going to be a nice BAG LADY and help you NOT “accidentally” purchase an illegally acquired imitation fake hand bag or purse.
1. Louis Vuitton: The only authorized online dealer of LV purses is eLuxury. That’s it. If you go to Louis Vuitton.com, it will link you to eLuxury. There may be some sites that have consignment that you can safely purchase from, and I don’t know the names. I can guarantee you that the bag you are watching on Ebay right now is not real. Do not place one more bid! FYI Louis Vuitton does not “wholesale” the products, so the ladies passing around the LV catalog are just getting you to pick out real items that you are going to receive the fake version of.
2. The only sure way to know your bag is real is to get it from the store itself. However there are sites that sell real bags at a discount price, typically last season or previous year styles. Some of these sites include: Blue fly, Overstock, Smart bargains etc. Eluxury is a great site to purchase from and the styles are updated and current but not discounted.
3. I shouldn’t have to say this, but if you are buying your bag on the street, or from a store that also sells hair products, umbrellas, wigs and wing specials, then more than likely its not real.
Ladies, and fellas buying for ladies, happy shopping. Ultimately you are going to purchase and wear what you want. But just know that me and others like me are going to be lurking in the bushes, watching your every move and waiting for the right moment to jump on you and beat you senseless with that fake purse!
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