Sunday, May 25, 2008
It took me longer to pick out my purse than to pick out what to wear. The weather is so funky I’m confused is it still fall? I have to look at the calendar a lot more than I would like to. I decided to go with a cognac colored Francesco Biasia bag. I’m sure you want to hear more about the party though so we’ll get back to purses in a second.
So like I was saying, stepped out with old faithful otherwise known as Tab. Out of the 7-8 ladies that I invited out that night she was the only one that came through. This was going to be a good girl’s night out.
Yes I am petty. And the first atrocity I noticed was some guy in a velvet patterned blazer. I wish I had the “What Not to Wear” Blog in pamphlet form. He made me hot just looking at him, I started fanning. He did the classic bamma stop talking when ladies walk by type thing and we ignored him because that blazer was just too Hugh Hefner-ish for a Friday night party. Ugh. Anyway I ran into some familiar bouncers or “evening entertainment security specialists”. They were all dressed very nicely. This is important in the security/bouncer world. If you see one dressed like he is going to the gym more than likely you could get tossed on your head that night. Anyway, I could tell by the sounds coming from upstairs that this was going to be a good night!
I like the way that Mayorga is set up. It’s truly a coffee lounge but it can easily be converted into a nice party venue. I love downstairs it’s nice and bright and spacious. I think if you are getting a phone number upstairs where its darker you should ask them to come downstairs so that you won’t end up taking home a swamp turkey. Okay Pause. Why in 2008 are grown women wearing Baby Phat purses? No I want to know and I want someone to answer me. What would make you walk through the purse section and go for the one with a huge gold cat on it, 1000 rhinestones and hardware that looks like chunky bracelets? When I saw this I almost forgot where I was. I wish I had some of my Purse Crew on standby to just hog tie this heffa and beat her with that purse.
Back to the party. It was PACKED upstairs, but not to the point that you couldn’t have a good time. I saw Mitch right away and my night could have very well ended there and I would have been satisfied. The bar takes up a great deal of space on the upstairs level but you are still not uncomfortable. Tab and I split up at the bar (we got this down to a science) so that whoever gets the bartender’s attention first orders the drinks. She stuck to the Henny, I slept with Ciroc. Now let the fun begin!
We saw a lot of familiar faces in there, and there were a few celebrations. A friend of ours graduated from Law School and she was there toasting it up (with a VERY nice orange clutch, nice handle, shiny leather, cute!). We made our way to, okay rephrase, we infiltrated the VIP section. I mean we kept it all the way hood that night, I even asked dude for re-ups on his Ciroc. I tried to get over to Ra but anytime you get near him 35 chicks come out of nowhere like ninjas. I did get to Scotty, and made him spill his drink (inside event *wink*).
Let me give you an idea of how the party went from there. Do you remember being a freshman in college, where all the parties are geared toward freshmen? You dance and dance and dance until you can’t feel your thighs? Let’s just say I needed Ben Gay when I got up on Saturday. Like ThatMakeupGirl would say “That was a mutha fucking party”. As I got older I’ve been too cute to dance and I damn sure ain't putting my purse down. But my purse sat on the couch that night. I two-stepped, made it rain, shot some invisible jumpers, wiped myself down, and walked it out from 12 am to 3 am. I even let guys dance with me and I never do that *flips hair*. Tab had just about convinced the DJ to let her spin and had already made several requests…ha!
I was so sad when the lights came on. I looked at my watch and looked around like I had been robbed. Tab and I just looked at each other and without words said, “…now that was fun”.
Here are some points that you should take away from this blog entry:
1. Women carrying purses that have cats, bracelets, rhinestones, mistletoe and disco balls hanging from them should be gathered and beat senselessly.
2. Take brass knuckles with you if you want to get near Ra Ra.
3.If you are good, a VIP section can be quietly infiltrated.
4.Every woman must own a nice clutch. (Nordys has a great MJ clutch on sale!)
5.Tab can out drink 75% of all men in DC.
6.Mitch looks great in a suit.
7. Anyone can be from New York when Ja Rule is playing. "I gotta a hunnid guns a hunnid clips.... I'm from NEW YOOORKK NEW YOORRRKK "
8. There are a lotto guys with Jack Tripper meets Magnum PI shirts.
9. If you have velvet print blazer, burn it instantaneously. Evening Entertainment Security Specialists in suits are less likely to throw you against the wall like a rag doll.
I’ll be back again. Probably this coming Friday night. I haven’t partied in DC on a Friday night consistently in quite some time, especially since I’m not a fan of “The other club”. I’m afraid to say the name on the grounds that I may end up sleeping with the fishes. Until then, you know where I’ll be on Friday nights, come have a drink with me…fellas leave your velveteen blazers and home…ladies keep your purse game tight!
Check out the Sex in the City party there this Friday...all I saw was FREE COSMOS!!!
BL29 ....partying like a rock star!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
1. Fendi "Forever" (Medium Tote) $1207.00
2. Fendi "Selleria" $1840.00
3. Ferragamo "Sartoria" $1450.00
4. Gucci "Hysteria" $1670.00
5. Michael Kors "Beverly" $1295.00
6. Marc by Marc Jacobs "Totally Turnlock" $448.00
7. Maxx New York "Costa Rica" $202.00
8. Cole Haan "Genevieve" $395.00
9. Micheal Kors "Berkeley" Large tote $498.00
10. Perlina "Perfect Harmony" $260.00
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The Swole Patrol:
These are the guys that walk around with the big chests and arms and calves and thighs and necks. They wear their 12 year old brother’s wife beater so the muscles look that much bigger. They walk from side to side like a penguin because their thighs are too swole to touch. They grunt and grown when they are doing reps with the bar bells (dumb bells). They wear biking shorts with short shorts over top of them. There is usually one woman in this crew, I call them Serenas. For some reason the guys get bigger and more “swole” when they walk past a woman, go figure. Their designated territory is the “strong room” of the gym.
The Stick Figures:
God bless em. These gang members are in the 150lb and below club. They try to match up to the swole patrol but to no avail. They wear big clothes and bandanas and fitted hats to add weight to their body. If you watch really closely you will see them drop to one knee in anguish after they get off the weight machine.
The Couture Crew:
This is an all female gang. The members are required to wear name brand sweats and sneakers, maintain a flawless roller set and have head phones that match your outfit. I’ve seen some with JUICY in rhinestones across the butt. They look like they can go from the elliptical to the club in 10 minutes. They don’t break a sweat while working out because they usually do 10 minute sets. They stick really close to each other and flip their weaves at non-members. Their gym bags are Chloe’ or Chloe’-like.
The Letterman Club:
This gang consists of former basketball and football players at any level. This is a pretty cool and laid back gang and they will mingle with non-members. They laugh at the Swole Patrol because unlike them, the Lettermen have actually put their muscles to good use. The Couture Crew hates them because they hog up the treadmills with 45 minute runs, oh and because they are not trying to holler. A Letterman will help you with your work out and tell you how to maximize machine use. Watch them because they do touch butts. They all wear their former team uniforms or paraphernalia. They also usually have one female in the crew, and she usually likes females and has a jheri curl or corn rows.
This gang works out but typically holds down the locker room. Hence the name Streaker, they are always naked. They just walk around the locker room bucked naked talking to each other. They are typically Asian. They intimidate using disgust. They keep others from showering, changing and going to the lockers. It’s the nude equivalent of the GOOCH from Different Strokes. I can’t write anymore about the Streakers I don’t feel too well.
The El Salvadorian godfathers. I don’t bother them and they don’t bother me. I don’t speak English to them because if something goes down I want them to look out for me. Actually nobody bothers them not even the Swole Patrol. They usually hold down a machine for an hour because its 32 of them at a time. They don’t speak but they give eye contact with everyone. When they are in the gym the radio station automatically changes to Tito Nieves.
The S Curls:
This is an all male gang consisting of dead ringers for Levert, Ready for the World, Debarge, Prince, Michael Jackson, Freddie Jackson, Stoney Jackson, and Ray Parker Jr. They leave grease prints on the machines. They look like they are sweating but its just activator and “Let’s Jam” running down their head to their bodies. They are usually facing a mirror while lifting weights. They do strange stunts with the pullies. They move their bodies like a snake. When they finish lifting they kiss their biceps. They are usually pretty swole but are too pretty for the Swole Patrol.
The Hall Monitors:
This gang is like the United Nations of the gangs. It consists of folks that don’t fit into any of the other categories. I’m the secretary of state for the Hall Monitors. Our job is to basically MONITOR what everyone else is doing. By monitor I mean watch. We just sit back and watch. Sometimes we look at each other and without words know what the other is thinking; this would make us have ESPN. We don’t dress any particular way, just gym comfortable. We talk to each other and to other gangs. Well the Couture Crew is too cute and the Streakers are too naked but you know how that goes. This crew consists mostly of women. Men tend to want to be in the Swole Patrol, Lettermen or have no choice but to be a Stick Figure.
Where do you fit in? Share a funny gym story!
Gym Bag Lady
Monday, May 12, 2008
I don't know bout y'all, but I likes what Prada is serving this year, they must have a new creative director or something, I'm loving this. I know bag_heifer is like "What is this Tomfoolery here?" but you know I like the off the wall ish! This is way different then the boring crap (and I'm only talking about the handbags) that I've seen years before, I'm officially a FAN! This whimsical fairy print definitely isn't for the conservative. The shape is so classic and simple which is signature of Prada but the print makes it interesting,unique and even Hip! It's obvious Prada is trying to appeal to a younger demographic with this one, I know I'm not going to see their usual "long in the toof" demographic acting all PUSH DIVA with this bag! Well the youngins is eating it up, you gotta get on a waiting list for these and they have separate waiting lists for each piece of this fairy line. I wish somebody would tell me they been on the waiting list for months waiting for the phone call that their keyring is ready for pick up, WHAT!? *swingin*
It comes in 2 sizes and the small retails for $2290 and the large for $2490
so what'cha what'cha think? yay it or nay it?
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
So here comes my list, and it’s a unisex list. I’m tired of folks just pointing out where the ladies go wrong, because some of you men step out all extra wrong too. If you are at all offended by this blog, please consult a stylist immediately.
1. Why do you want to wear tennis shoes to the club? No, why do you want to go to a club where you can wear tennis shoes? Stop harassing bouncers/promoters trying to get them to let you in with you’re A-1’s on. Funny story. I was at Pearl one night and this guy was outside having a fit becuase he coudlnt get in with his tennis shoes on. He was on the phone talking about "Yeah they dont know me I dont even pay to get in clubs I damn sure aint paying to wear my sneaks, they dotn knwo me, and I dont stand in no lines either...shoot I used to run this party and throw all the baddest cabarets ppl know me!" At the end of the night homeboy was still right there sitting on the side and still on the phone. But they dont know you son! (I just offended half of the men I know. Sorry guys love you!)
2. I don’t care what you have seen on that Big Pimpin video, the Jack Tripper regal beagle party shirt is not hot! You are in the club looking like a flower arrangement. I made my daddy take a shirt like that right back to Macy’s that shirt was busy as hell. Go to the island don’t wear the island. Don't get caught out there looking like my boy L (MetroMan)
3. And while we are on busy. Relax on the colors. I wear contacts and it plays tricks with my eyes between the club lighting and your neon green, hot pink, inner city orange and blue shirt with shoes to match. It’s like I’m being attacked by a bunch of colorful ninjas all at once. We get it, you can coordinate. You know your colors and you can stay within the lines. Great! Now put on something solid before I start to convulse.
4. Pull your pants up once and for all.
5. Darling, it’s typically just as hot in the club as it is outside of the club. So why in the name of St Peter do you have on a shirt, corduroys, vest, blazer and a starter jacket? There is no way that in the middle of July you are comfortable. You gonna let Kanye West cause you to have a heat stroke. You’re not posted up because you’re too cool to move, you’re posted up because IF you move you are going to ignite like C4!
1. Dress for your shape and not just your size. I’m going to sub list this one
a. huge thighs in a mini skirt
b. huge breasticles in a low cut tight halter
c. belts around waists that aren’t there
d. big booty, too small jeans, lots of visible crack
e. big tummy gut in a fitted shirt. *covering eyes*
2. Please make sure that your roots match the texture of the hair you are wearing. And for the weave less, please make sure your roots matching the texture of the rest of your head. Don’t curl the back and ignore the roots. Get a Chi or something and some good CLEAR gel. If it’s too much of a job a nice head band or scarf. Fool somebody! And let’s let go of the 18 inch weaves, it’s been long enough. (No pun intended)
3. Some of us including myself are not great with makeup application. I mean I do okay because I keep it very simple. But if you aren’t that great with it don’t pretend to be. The end result will be you looking like one of the Fashion Fair models from ’86, or Mimi from Drew Carey.
4. If your five toes are running a race with the front of your shoe, then its time for a bigger size. Sometimes with heels the foot gets pushed forward. In that case you need to go up a half or whole size. I was watching Isaac Mizrahi and he said that nobody knows what size you are wearing but you. That is so true. But as females our pride won’t let us bump up the size, so we’d rather feel good and look not so good. I’m guilty of this trust me but I’m working on it.
5. Limit your accessories to 2-3 nice pieces. My grandma taught me that one. I know we like to wear our jewelry and get excited about all the new stuff we get, but it can be too much, especially the “chunky” jewelry. Take one piece off on your way out of the door, that’s the rule! Accessories can make or break your outfit. You don’t want to OG. For those of you that don’t remember I’m gonna get you sucker, they used the term OG for “Over Gold” dude died cause he was wearing too much jewelry!
I think at this point I have totally alienated myself from club goers. I just see so much that it has to be commented on. First the Moupies and now this huh? That means I better make sure I'm coming correct when I step out. Dont worry, I will :)
Duffle Bag Lady, just incase I need to be strapped!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
That’s how I feel living in America in 2008. The price of crude oil is nearly $140 a barrel. This means that everything that must rely on transportation to get from point A to point B is going to go up up up and away. For those of you that are slow on the uptake, that means everything we BUY. Everywhere we GO. I just got back from vacation and I spent more on this plane ticket to FL than when I went to Vegas. They are even charging for curb side check in!
I don’t know how things are going to be for us spoiled rotten Americans. How are we to survive without the basic necessities like a car with rims and XM radio? How are we to satisfy the basic need for a long weekend in Vegas? Why should we be forced to buy generic products or cut back on electricity in our home? I mean I might like sleeping with all of my lights on, TV, iPod blasting and fans running.
I don’t know about you guys but something has to give. This inflation is cutting into my hair, nails, purse and liquor money. And that stimulus check is a crock of (shut your mouth). I mean you can’t really think folks that are losing their houses, filing bankruptcy and shaking their ass for cash to keep the lights on are not going to use that measly money to pay their bills and not shop. Six hundred dollars is a car note!
If things get worst I may have to take drastic measures in order to survive. My new plan can be implemented at any time just like gas prices can go up at any time. Here is what it will consist of.
- I will no longer be dancing with men in the club for free. Five dollars for the first song, $2 each additional song; $50 flat fee for the entire night.
- Shot glasses at my house parties will be rented for a fee of $10 per night. I mean hell the liquor is free so unless you drinking out of your hand, pay up.
- $50 for every stupid question.
- Fifty cents for every picture I have to send you from my camera. I mean it takes time to crop, adjust, resize and send each and every picture. I don’t think this is unreasonable.
- If you are riding in my car, and you want the music on? A quarter per song. I can ride in silence it doesn’t bother me.
- I’m going to start charging folks for asking me what happened on a show that is on while they went to get a snack. This is the day and age of DVR and TIVO if you don’t hit that rewind button and leave me alone!
- It is Thursday night. PRIME TV night and my phone is ringing. Depending on who it is, I will text them a dollar amount to be paid before they can speak to me again. Don’t call me when Grey’s Anatomy is on. Don’t do it. How will I know what McDreamy is going to tell Meredith about his meeting with Addison while McSteamy was in the elevator listening.
- I’m sending a bill and an eye roll to every person I see drinking Champaign from a bottle, being over 30 doing the Souljah boy or knowing the words to Lil Mama’s latest hit,
- The next person in front of me in the self check out lane with 75 items needs to buy my groceries. This is getting to be a little out of hand. And all I hear is, “boop…………booop…………boop…..please place your item back on the scanner………booop………..please remove item from the belt”….I can read an entire People magazine!
I wish I could bill BET every time they show a re-run of BET Awards. But anyway I’m tired and so is my wallet. I’m staying in tonight because I calculated that it would cost me a gallon of gas, so what is that $3.69 to go to the club and back tonight. Then there is entry fee and drinks if the men aren’t generous. I can use that money to drive to work where there is a return on my driving investment. Do you see how the economy has us thinking now? When a combo at McDonald’s is the same as a meal at Applebee’s there is a problem.
But seriously, this is a humbling experience for America, the land of excess. We have to learn to conserve and get into the mindset that all resources are not free flowing and abundant. The “money doesn’t grow on trees” cliché can be applied in many situations. Because of how comfortable we are here we are easily made uncomfortable. Gas has been this price and higher in Europe for years, and they probably don’t waste as much as we do. Back in the day folks used to stretch things out to make it work. Hell college students learn to stretch things out and make it work. I could survive off of $20 for 2 weeks. Now $20 disappears from my hands just as fast as the ATM machine can spit it out. I have to do better; we all have to do better. And if these prices keep going up quiet of few of you will be keeping my bills paid.
Reusable Grocery Bag Lady